Monday, September 8, 2008

In RXN to ... "Desperate = Sexy? Um, nope."

Desperate = Sexy? Um, nope.

You do like volleyball. Even though I'm not sure how that fits in with all
of this. I get it, You want me to learn how. Even in 2006. Even before
you met me (was there a time before you met me? hard to say) you were
sending me "learn how to play volleyball" vibes.

Okay first of all... where is this cute young lady you are supposed to be on
a date with during this whole experience? As far as I can tell, you
ignored her and then made her friend cry. I wouldn't ask you out again
after that. Unless I "obviously had a crush on you".

I like this story, I think it's pretty funny. Sorority girls are
confusing. Much like Yolato.You have no idea what that is, I bet. It's
yogurt Gelato, which is like frozen yogurt except that it tastes like
yogurt that has been frozen.

I especially appreciate the presence of Kevin in this story. Kevin is a
little bit nuts. I like him a lot, he is hilarious, but he attracts all
sorts of strange people. Kevin once told me he used to hang out
regularly with my ex-boyfriend. Red Flag! If I had known that my
ex-boyfriend was the kind of person Kevin spent a lot of time with, it
would have been over a lot faster. Point being, if he thinks that
someone is acting erratically, you have a serious problem on your
hands. So I understand why you tried to sneak away, although I don't
know if I've ever seen anyone give the peace sign and mean it.

I maintain that you would have slept with her if you thought she was pretty.

Because you're my adorable, lovable Boyfriend. Kisses on YOU!

In RXN to ... "Dane Cook's Tourgasm"

Dane Cook's Tourgasm

You used to like Dane Cook. Think about that!

But, I still like you because...

You're my adorable, lovable Boyfriend. Kisses on you!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

In RXN to... "Chicken and Waffles"

Chicken and Waffles

Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend. You are a racist. Your Shakespeare quote had the word "shadow" in it just before you mentioned that you hung out with your "black friends." And you didn't address the quote in any other way. Are we all just supposed to know you were referring to Sir William's quote on the diametrically stirring and yet inconsequential nature of storytelling and theatrical arts? Do you think everybody knows Shakespeare inside and out?You don't even yourself! You just know that quote because Joe Hamp wrote it into a sketch you were in. I'm just saying, choose your words, baby. Choose them wisely.

It's great that you're eating new foods. You don't eat anything new, ever. I had to struggle to get you try papaya. And that's just a fruit! Were you trying to prove how open-minded you are since chicken and waffles are generally accepted to be an African-American food? Look at me, I can eat "your people's" food? Papaya has a "you people" associated with it too, you know. Maybe you should get some Caribbean friends.

Softcore porn was on in the Jumbo Slice because drunk people see it and leave after eating a slice saying to everybody as they pass "There's porn on in Jumbo Slice!" Drunk people cannot keep their mouths shut. Hell, you went home and blogged about it. What I'm saying is, free advertising!

By the way, that movie starring Ice-T and featuring a scene with chicken and waffles was the 1999 straight-to-video "Judgement Day" starring Mario Van Peebles, not starring a plate of chicken. Know your facts, boyfriend, or at least know your IMDb. You're always so proud with how much you know about movies, but you couldn't even look that up? You're so lazy, but it's okay because...

You're my adorable, lovable Boyfriend. Kisses on you!

In RXN to... "I'm Matt Mayer, and here's my Thursday"

I'm Matt Mayer, and here's my Thursday

Power nap in a strange apartment until 8 in the morning?! Whose strange apartment? Not to mention, power nap my ass! So what if we weren't dating until May 5, 2006 at 5:13 am? I'm a little mad right now.

The only part worth reading in this blog of yours is the part about Chris. The rest of it is just you talking about how awesome your day was because you have a friend that gave you free Coldplay tickets. You don't even like Coldplay. Even though, that's only because Jason Mantzoukas doesn't like Coldplay and mentioned it at every Mother show we ever went to. You're such a follower. You like NSYNC. That's a follower move. Although, in all fairness, you did like JC and not Justin. Although now you like Justin and not JC. You follower!

I personally don't think you're scum like Chris. He's pretty awful. And you're pretty great! But if you don't think you're scum, and you have reasons, you should definitely not keep them from us. I guarantee that every person who has read that blog (all 6 of them) is now so much closer to being sure you're scum because you chose to withhold every reason you're not. It's just like a murder suspect being on the witness stand saying "I have an alibi, but I'm not telling you what it is."

The only reason he'd do that is if the reason is as bad. Like, "I couldn't have been murdering that person, I was too busy molesting this child in my basement." Maybe you know you're not scum because he was actually getting to have sex with them whereas they denied you. Too embarrassing to admit that you couldn't even get play from a freshman girl when you're a fifth year senior. That could definitely be it. But maybe not...

Because you're my adorable, lovable Boyfriend. Kisses on you!

In RXN to... "My First Ever Post ... Since Livejournal"

First, don't admit that you had a LiveJournal, especially not in your title. Sweetheart, I'm only saying this because I looked up your livejournal because of this title. You were so dramatic. I don't even have time to make a reaction blog about all the high school drama depicted in that keyboard vomit. So here's my entire devotion to it: you're cuter now.

Matt created his account to comment on somebody else's blog:
Is it that important to comment on another person's blog that you must have a blog of your own? Have you no identity? No existence but to react to others? Noting the cause for the existence of my own blog, I will shut up now.

Matt uses his first blog as an adult, as a standup, to open to door to those seeking standup advice:
Awww, Boyfriend! That's so cute. You're always trying to help others, even when you're in no position to do so. I mean, you were good when you started sure, but as you pointed out, the vets were handing out bits of advice like they were Voter Registration forms. Why come to you? Oh, I remember why.

Because you're my adorable, lovable Boyfriend. Kisses on you!